The Poutine Diaries

Senator Wanderin' Eyes

2008-08-31T16:45:00.000-07:00

Talk about assessing your running mate!

Welcome, Republicans!

2008-08-26T02:27:00.000-07:00

This is an actual billboard on the road between the airport and convention center. Nobody throws out a welcome mat like Jon Stewart.

This Is Me in Grade Nine, Baby

2008-08-24T23:10:00.001-07:00

John McCain was never tortured by the Vietnamese

2008-08-23T05:32:00.001-07:00

...At least according to the Bush Administration's definition of torture.

I would dearly love to see Obama/Biden highlight this contradiction.

Government Oversight Bad. Me Like Listeria.

2008-08-22T16:52:00.000-07:00

I have nothing personal against the Tories; it's their trogdolytic anti-regulatory pro-privatization ideology that drives me mad. Case in point, the Listeria outbreak. While Canadian consumers were doubled over cramping and wretching, Stephen Harper's cabinet was planning to cut the regulatory budget.

Beyond the specific health and safety issues at hand, confidence is what it's all about. And that is why news reports of a leaked memo pointing to federal government cuts in food safety inspections are so troubling, and so spectacularly current. A cabinet document recently outed by a whistleblower details plans to cut millions in federal spending on surveillance for BSE. As well, initiatives have been designed to shift government food inspection responsibilities to the industry itself.
This information first came to light outside ministry circles in July, when Canadian Food Inspection Agency biologist Luc Pomerleau leaked a seven-page memo detailing the proposed changes to his union. He was fired for his trouble.
The agency is being asked to cut five per cent of its budget as part of an omnibus strategic review. Inheriting a surplus that still stood at $2.8 billion in January-February 2007, the feds have announced a fiscal deficit of $500 million in the same period this year. Something apparently has to give.

Read It:

Great idea. Let's let industry police itself and cut the budget for inspection. Where have I heard that before? Could it be part of the spectacularly successful political platform of President Bush?

Tainted meat is the consequence of tainted ideology;, one that says, "All government is wasteful and bad. I can take care of myself. Gimme mah tax money". Sometimes, it's hard to hear the exploding propane tanks above the Cartmanlike bleating.

An editoral in Today's Star provided another example of the pitfalls of anti-regulatory zeal:

The blast raised serious concerns about the Technical Standards and Safety Authority (TSSA), the not-for-profit, industry-funded body that took over responsibility for fuel safety, among other things, from the Ontario government in the 1990s under the privatization crusade of then-premier Mike Harris. In the days after the explosion, the TSSA made public a list of propane facilities that proved to be alarmingly out-of-date, calling into question its ability to effectively police a substance it apparently couldn't keep track of. Belatedly, the agency said yesterday it had shut down five propane facilities in a sweep of major operators.

Read It:

Tainted meat, propane explosions, and a 500 million dollar deficit...Feel the Harpermania! It's running wild (or at least unregulated)!

The Oldest Barbarian scores!

2008-08-21T19:22:00.001-07:00

After ten gruelling games, perhaps the oldest rookie in the history of Canadian rugby scored a try (And was selected "Man of the Match")! Bruce County Barbarians captain Steve Bell pounded through at about the 20 yard line, turned his back to the defense, and held out the ball. I ripped it from his massive arms, crashed through a few players, and slammed down the ball on the try line.

Final Score: Kincardine 12, Kitchener, 10.

Without a doubt, this was the finest moment of my athletic life.

I played American-style football for three years, and before every game, I'd pray that someone would fumble so that I could pick up the ball and run with it. I never got my chance. 18 years later, my dream came true. I'm very, very proud to have been a member of the 2008 Bruce County Barbarians and can't wait until next year...Go Barbs!

Undecided

2008-08-08T15:17:00.000-07:00

My Canadian friends are surprised to learn that, when it comes to the U.S. election, I'm still officially undecided.

I'm not sure whether I'm voting for Obama or against McCain.

Notes from Calgary

2008-08-07T20:15:00.000-07:00

There are several great things I could mention about the prairie metropolis known as Calgary. Of course, these 'great things' are gnostic in nature, and to reveal them would mean breaking an oath to a super-secret mystical cult I've sworn allegiance to. Like some supernatural religious artifact, Calgary must be protected at all costs.

I will say, however, that Calgary is one beautiful place in the summertime. Even the names are magical, and vaguely suggestive: Shaganappi, Kananaskis( oh yes he can)..It's the type of city where people can afford to be nice to visitors. Calgarians know that you won't outstay your welcome if you don't deserve to live there. Like my hometown, Minneapolis, the prevailing mentality in Calgary is that -30 keeps out the riff-raff.

I Blame Morrisey

2008-01-27T17:51:00.000-08:00

Business Time

2008-01-27T09:41:00.000-08:00

This one goes out to all my married friends...

Everything's Great in Afghanistan

2008-01-24T19:03:00.000-08:00

Just ask the Ministry of Foreign Affairs...actually, don't bother...

The government's decision to gag Foreign Affairs and other departments from speaking to the media has left Canadians with a flawed understanding of what the Afghan mission is about, members of the panel reviewing Canada's role in Afghanistan charged yesterday.Mr. Manley, Mr. Burney and Pamela Wallin, a broadcaster and former consul-general in New York, cited the salacious story of the Corrections Canada officials' boots as an example of what can go awry when Foreign Affairs is muzzled.

According to government documents released in November, Corrections Canada officials inspecting Afghan jails asked for special boots because they were walking through blood and fecal material - the implication being that detainees handed over by the Canadian military to Afghan jailers were treated in a horrid manner.

Read the full Globe & Mail Article

Alice's Restaurant

2008-01-23T18:16:00.000-08:00

From Allyn and Sara...

...From a bio of musician Arlo Guthrie, son of folk music legend Woody. This is funny to me. I think Steve Lindstrom would also find this humorous:

When he graduated from high school at the Stockbridge School in Massachusetts in 1965, he enrolled at Rocky Mountain College in Billings, MT, to study forestry with the intention of becoming a forest ranger. He dropped out after only six weeks, however. Returning to Massachusetts, he stayed at the home of Alice and Ray Brock, a deconsecrated church. The Brocks were former faculty members of the Stockbridge School who had opened a restaurant called the Back Room. Celebrating Thanksgiving with them, Guthrie and his friend Rick Robbins undertook what he later called the "friendly gesture" of attempting to dispose of a large amount of accumulated garbage for them. Finding the city dump closed, they threw it down a hillside. As a result, they were arrested for littering. Convicted of the offense, they paid fines of $25 each and retrieved the garbage. This proved fortuitous shortly afterward, when Guthrie was summoned for the military draft and judged unfit for service because of his criminal record.

The Fruits of A Conservative Philosophy

2007-08-02T11:51:00.000-07:00

You can't keep levees from bursting in New Orleans

You can't put out wildfires in California

You can't keep bridges up in Minneapolis

For years, Republicans south of the border and their Tory counterparts to the north have considered increasing the size of the military and decreasing federal spending to be their highest priorities.

As Grover Nordquist once commented, the goal of conservatives is to 'shrink government down to a size where it can be drowned in a bathtub'. According to their line of reasoning, 'the government that governs best in the government that governs least'. That sounds great until you modify it somewhat to fit a particular context--
the government that repairs bridges best is the government that repairs bridges the least'--for example.

The bridge collapse in Minnepolis yesterday illustrates the extent to which the conservative philosophy works against the public good.

But don't take my word for it...

"..Former Transportation Commissioner Elwyn Tinklenberg told WCCO radio that inspections have been hurt by recent budget cuts".

In the name of fiscal conservatism, the experts are often ignored as shortsighted politicians rush to dole out tax cuts.

Read It:

Damn Hippie School!

2007-07-23T17:17:00.000-07:00

Luther Adopts Biodiesel

Stephen Harper Swallows

2007-06-19T02:25:00.000-07:00

...All the GWOT (Great War on Terror) rhetoric George Bush's government can produce.

When the opposition asks about Gordon O'Connor's lies regarding detainee treatment, he mentions all the wonderful schools that are being built. When people question Canada's increasing body count, it's time to speak in front of a Vimy Ridge memorial. All Harper needs is a flight suit, and aircraft carrier, and a "mission accomplished" banner in order to complete his tranformation into George Bush circa 2003

While it was the Liberals who brought 2,400 Canadian soldiers to Afghanistan, it's Stephen Harper's government that keeps Canadian troops there despite the fact that our NATO presence there is counterproductive. The response of the Government? Denial and suppression of the reality on the ground.

Susan Riley writes...

Rather than rethinking military strategy, however, the Harper government marches on, down the same explosive-strewn path. It talks more about reconstruction these days but, according to recent figures, of 36,000 foreign soldiers in Afghanistan, only 2,000 to 2,500 are engaged in rebuilding. Only a portion of international aid money has been spent, either because there is no security or because there is confusion over who will supervise proposed projects.

Yet all we hear from senior ministers is happy talk. Foreign Affairs Minister Peter MacKay last week reported that "in the last few weeks, our provincial reconstruction team hosted an important human rights workshop" attended by Afghan army, security and police officials.

What's next? Gourmet cooking classes to help Afghan widows get back on their feet?

All the feel-good rhetoric in the world won't change the fact that Afghanistan is going the way of Iraq. Harper's government is attempting to shove an endless war down the throats of Canadians.

Read It:

Challenging Art

2007-06-18T02:57:00.000-07:00

When Iraqi artist Wafaa Bilal decided to sequester himself in a Chicago art gallery for 42 days with a paintball gun that people could aim and fire at him over the Internet, he thought he might get a few shots per day. He never guessed that by day 20, more than 40,000 shots would be fired and that hackers would program the gun to fire automatically.

His exhibit, “Domestic Tension,” shows the constant stress and fear under which his family and others in Iraq live. And it highlights the detached, remote way both the American public and soldiers experience modern warfare.

Read It:

Worst Album Covers of All Time

2007-06-18T02:39:00.000-07:00

Here's my pick. Follow the link to find your personal favorite!

Read It:

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Favorite Lines

2007-06-13T17:08:00.000-07:00

Chorus:
Look ye, countrymen and Thebans, this is Oedipus the great,
He who knew the Sphinx's riddle and was mightiest in our state.
Who of all our townsmen gazed not on his fame with envious eyes?
Now, in what a sea of troubles sunk and overwhelmed he lies!
Therefore wait to see life's ending ere thou count one mortal blest;
Wait till free from pain and sorrow he has gained his final rest.

Oedipus the King

Frankenfoot

2007-06-04T19:16:00.000-07:00

So Friday I went to the hospital for a biopsy of a nasty lesion on my foot that I brought back to North America as a souvenir. Somewhere in the bowels of South Asia,I contracted some sort of voodoo foot fungus that seems impervious to all modes of treatment.

I expected Dr. Kim to take a little shaving off the top since it's a skin problem, but she went to the trouble of freezing my foot, and much to my suprise, took out quite a chunk.

"Nice work, Shylock. I guess I can consider my debt repaid".

Five stiches later, I'm playing the waiting game and hobbbling around on my frankenfoot. There's a bunion on top of the knuckle of my big toe that looks like a carriage bolt, an ulcerous rash, and now a gnarly scar adorned with several stitches.

I'm halfway expecting more respectable feet to show up at the door with torches and pitchforks.

Hopeful Sign

2007-06-04T19:05:00.000-07:00

What would the world look like if all the tyrannical dictators of this bleeding earth were held accountable for their actions? We may find out...

THEY are beginning to fall like ninepins. On Monday June 4th the trial began in The Hague of Charles Taylor, Liberia’s former president and Africa’s most famous warlord. He is accused of planning and financing horrific crimes committed during Sierra Leone’s brutal civil war in the 1990s. Mr Taylor showed his disdain for the process by boycotting the start of the trial. A few days earlier, the International Criminal Tribunal for the Former Yugoslavia announced the arrest on genocide charges of a former Bosnian Serb general, Zdravko Tolimir, one of the most wanted war-crimes fugitives in the Balkans. These are just the latest examples of a flurry activity by the institutions of international justice.

The next step: Extradite Cheney!

Read it:

Quote

2007-05-29T19:26:00.000-07:00

"You are not your bank account. You are not the clothes you wear. You are not the contents of your wallet. You are not your bowel cancer. You are not your grande latte. You are not the car you drive. You are not your fu**ing khakis… I say, let me never be complete. I say, may I never be content. I say, deliver me from Swedish furniture. I say, deliver me from clever art. I say, deliver me from clear skin and perfect teeth… I say, evolve, and let the chips fall where they may."

~Chuck Palahniuk

Smog Alerts

2007-05-24T17:23:00.000-07:00

So I move from the air pollution ground zero of Seoul, South Korea to rural Southwestern Ontario hoping to get more milage out of my sandblasted lungs. Am I able to escape air pollution? Nope. Thanks, Detroit. Thanks, Windsor. Thanks environmental policy-gutting republicans and 'progressive conservatives'. I curse your lack of concern for our environment with each bronchitis-blob I cough up in the morning. A plague on both your households!

Here's a history of smog from a Californian perspective...
Read it:

Gouging Canada

2007-05-15T00:51:00.000-07:00

A Canadian watchdog group is blasting oil companies and gasoline retailers for allegedly gouging consumers to the tune of millions of dollars.

Researcher and economist Hugh Mackenzie with the Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives said gasoline prices in Canada are between 16 cents and 21 cents per liter higher than they should be.

With approximately 3.8 liters in a U.S. gallon, that’s an unexplained “gouging” of 60 cents to 80 cents per gallon, MacKenzie’s report suggests.

Read It:

Something Else For Mom To Feel Guilty About

2007-05-06T19:10:00.000-07:00

Food for thought (and neurosis), from Wired magazine:

...Modern humans are bacteria-killing machines. We assassinate microbes with hand soap, mouthwash and bathroom cleaners. It feels clean and right.

But some scientists say we're overdoing it. All this killing may actually cause diseases like eczema, irritable bowel syndrome and even diabetes. The answer, they say, is counterintuitive: Feed patients bacteria.

"Probiotics (pills containing bacteria) have resulted in complete elimination of eczema in 80 percent of the people we've treated," says Dr. Joseph E. Pizzorno Jr., a practicing physician and former member of the White House Commission on Complementary and Alternative Medicine Policy. Pizzorno says he's used probiotics to treat irritable bowel disease, acne and even premenstrual syndrome. "It's unusual for me to see a patient with a chronic disease that doesn't respond to probiotics."

Read It:

...'cleanliness is next to Godliness'? Only if God is in the stall next to you working through his irritable bowel syndrome or shooting up his insulin. I would've been just fine if you hadn't kept me so clean as a child, mom!

Time For A Pesticide Ban

2007-05-03T19:48:00.000-07:00

....Dr. Robert LaCamera, a professor of pediatrics at the Yale School of Medicine, also held up the report when asked which cancers are associated with chemical pesticides. He read off a list: childhood leukemia, soft tissue sarcomas, cancers of the brain and testes, non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

LaCamera cited a 1997 Minnesota study that found pesticide traces in more than 90 percent of urine samples taken from children between 3 and 13 years old.

"If you can find detectable levels in urine it means it's almost universal," he said. Many practicing pediatricians "don't understand there is an epidemic of pesticides in the bodies of most children in this country."

Read It:

http://www.courant.com/news/local/hc-ctpoisons0419.artapr19,0,5546626.story?coll=hc-headlines-local

In Canada, there are currently 125 communities that ban the use of cosmetic pesticides. It will happen here. I'm willing to bet that there are more people in this town willing to fight for cancer-free kids than people willing to fight for dandelion-free lawns.

There's A Joke In This Somewhere

2007-05-02T19:22:00.000-07:00

Tell me where...

...The duck was quietly resting upside-down against the stomach of Ian Gereg, an aviculturist here at the Livingston Ripley Waterfowl Sanctuary. Dr. Brennan, a post-doctoral researcher at Yale University and the University of Sheffield, visits the sanctuary every two weeks to measure the phalluses of six species of ducks.

When she first visited in January, the phalluses were the size of rice grains. Now many of them are growing rapidly. The champion phallus from this Meller’s duck is a long, spiraling tentacle. Some ducks grow phalluses as long as their entire body. In the fall, the genitalia will disappear, only to reappear next spring.

The anatomy of ducks is especially bizarre considering that 97 percent of all bird species have no phallus at all. Most male birds just deliver their sperm through an opening. Dr. Brennan is investigating how this sexual wonder of the world came to be.

Read It:

Canadian Iraq?

2007-04-23T17:51:00.000-07:00

Is this editorial cartoon equally suitable for Canada's involvement in Afghanistan?

Why did Canada enter into the conflict in the first place? Do you remember? Are they fighting under the same rationale today?

What would victory in Afghanistan look like? What will it take to achieve it?

Was Canada left holding the bag when the U.S. decided to focus on Iraq?

Can less than 40,000 NATO troops from 37 nations accomplish what the Soviet Union couldn't with over 100,000 troops and unlimited brutality?

Are Stephen Harper's comments regarding Iraq any more insightful than George Bush's thoughts on Iraq?

What do you think, Canada?

Betting Against The Global Warming League

2007-04-22T19:20:00.000-07:00

It's NHL playoff time, and the Tampa Bay Lightning are out in the first round. Despite having two of my favourite players (Lecavalier, St. Louis), I can never support a hockey team that represents a state or city where ice doesn't naturally occur.

Tampa Bay,Florida, Phoenix, Dallas, and San Jose--You're on notice.

Bizarro America

2007-04-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

Chapter 32: In Which Our Intrepid Hero Learns The 'Fake News' Is More Informative Than The Networks...

From Today's Editor & Publisher

A new survey of 1,502 adults released Sunday by Pew Research Center for the People & the Press found that despite the mass appeal of the Internet and cable news since a previous poll in 1989, Americans' knowledge of national affairs has slipped a little. For example, only 69% know that Dick Cheney is vice president, while 74% could identify Dan Quayle in that post in 1989.

Other details are equally eye-opening. Pew judged the levels of knowledgeability (correct answers) among those surveyed and found that those who scored the highest were regular watchers of Comedy Central's The Daily Show and Colbert Report. They tied with regular readers of major newspapers in the top spot -- with 54% of them getting 2 out of 3 questions correct. Watchers of the Lehrer News Hour on PBS followed just behind.

Virtually bringing up the rear were regular watchers of Fox News. Only 1 in 3 could answer 2 out of 3 questions correctly. Fox topped only network morning show viewers.

A Wholly-Owned Subsidiary of the National Rifle Association

2007-04-16T19:33:00.000-07:00

This is the first thing the White House had to say about the tragedy in Virginia today:

A White House spokesman said President Bush was horrified by the rampage and offered his prayers to the victims and the people of Virginia. ``The president believes that there is a right for people to bear arms, but that all laws must be followed,'' spokeswoman Dana Perino said

What do you think, Canada?

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

2007-04-12T17:41:00.000-07:00

I was just about to thumb through a copy of Slaughterhouse Five to find one of my favourite Vonneygut passages. Thankfully, Atrios did my heavy lifting for me:

Here's a passage from Slaughterhouse Five, or the Children's Crusade:

"...Rosewater was on the next bed, reading, and Billy drew him into the conversation, asked him what he was reading this time.

So Rosewater told him. It was The Gospel from Outer Space, by Kilgore Trout. It was about a visitor from outer space, shaped very much like a Tralfamadorian, by the way. The visitor from outer space made a serious study of Christianity, to learn, if he could, why Christians found it so easy to be cruel. He concluded that at least part of the trouble was slipshod storytelling in the New Testament. He supposed that the intent of the Gospels was to teach people, among other things, to be merciful, even to the lowest of the low.

But the Gospels actually taught this:

Before you kill somebody, make absolutely sure he isn't well connected. So it goes.

The flaw in the Christ stories, said the visitor from outer space, was that Christ, who didn't look like much, was actually the Son of the Most Powerful Being in the Universe. Readers understood that, so, when they came to the crucifixion, they naturally thought, and Rosewater read out loud again:

Oh boy - they sure picked the wrong guy to lynch that time!

And that thought had a brother: "There are right people to lynch." Who? People not well connected. So it goes".

It's up to Stephen Colbert to carry the satirical torch now.

Easter Wings

2007-04-11T18:20:00.000-07:00

How Old Am I?

2007-04-10T19:29:00.000-07:00

I still remember the days when Will Farrel was funny.

The Cyber Hunter-Gatherer

2007-04-08T07:56:00.000-07:00

The quest: To increase the number of fresh, healthy greens in our diet.

The strategy: Googling veggies. The produce aisle is full of exotic green leafy stuff. Simply buy something new, take it home, and search for an online recipe.

Today's menu: Rapini, which tastes like a cross between swiss chard and broccoli. I cut it into two inch pieces and sauteed it with garlic, onions, tomatoes, and pumpkin seeds.

I've used the same approach with fish...fresh skate wings, anyone?

Fela Kuti Remembered Here

2007-04-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

There's More

American Idiot

2007-04-04T19:31:00.000-07:00

Lately, many of my Canadian friends have been asking the resident American about the upcoming U.S. presidential election. Here's my latest take...

John McCain's Campaign Is Over

...Well, not yet--but it should be. His recent field trip to Iraq underscores not only his detachment from reality, but also his complete disregard for the troops and the Iraqi people:

"...he told a talk radio host that there are "are neighborhoods in Baghdad where you and I could walk through." Then, when the claim was widely mocked, he went to Baghdad to prove his point, strolling around a local market. "I've been here... many times over the years... Never have I been able to go out into the city, as I was today," he said in a Green Zone press conference.

Of course, McCain neglected to mention that his outing was into an area just a "three minute" drive from the Green Zone. Or that he was wearing body armor, at the time. Or that he was accompanied by "100 American soldiers, with three Blackhawk helicopters, and two Apache gunships overhead."

Read It Here:

Can anyone guess what happened the day after his stroll though the market?

Read it:

American Idiot, indeed. Did it ever occur to McCain that there might be consequences to his actions that aren't related to his presidential campaign?

The Spanish Power Tower

2007-04-02T18:28:00.000-07:00

No, it's not someone's porn nickname, it's the future of solar energy, and it's happening now...

Europe has gained a new source of renewable energy with the inauguration of the continent's first-ever "power tower" at the centre of a field of mirrors near the southern Spanish town of Sanlúcar la Mayor.
The 115-metre-high tower (377ft) is the key element in what is being hailed as the world's first-ever commercial power tower plant. Rings of huge mirrors laid out around it reflect and focus the sun's power, beaming it back up to the top of the tower where the intense heat is absorbed and transmitted to a steam-driven generator.

Read It:

The power tower will produce enough energy to power an estimated 6,000 homes.

When I was young, the conventional wisdom was that wind, solar, and geothermal energy could only meet the tiniest fraction of our energy needs. People who installed solar panels and windmills were considered crackpots and hippies. As the world moves toward intractable conflict over finite resources, the smart money will move toward renewables.

Goodbye, Quality!

2007-04-02T02:20:00.000-07:00

After reading Dan Stout's recent Maufactured Environments post on the untimely demise of many a fine blog, I realize my own writing has come to a crossroads.

If my blog is to survive, I must give you my worst.

The problem I have is the same problem everyone else seems to have: I don't have the time or energy to come up with something good as often as I'd like. My ego would rather have me write well than often, so I write infrequently. What I've come to realize is the road to writing well travels down the road of self-abasement; in order to write well, one must write often. There is no other way.

Here's what I've decided to do:

I'll try to post something five days a week. Some days, you'll get my worst. I pledge to be a half-assed slacker blogger rather than an occasional blogger of higher quality. If I can't come up with anything, I'll phone in and post a youtube video or quote. This is my pledge to you, gentle reader.

Mark Perkel's Idea

2007-03-28T16:49:00.000-07:00

Let's Question Gonzales and Rove in secret foreign prisons

"...The Bush administration and Attorney General Gonzales don't want to testify to Congress under oath.
Congress is ready to subpoena them to force them to testify.
Bush threatens a constitutional showdown if they do.

Can a compromise be reached? Is there a way that Gonzales and Rove can be questioned
in a way that the Bush administration would approve of?

Bush and Gonzales have vigorously defended the use of secret prisons in foreign countries
as a way of getting to the truth. Both have stated to Congress that they are totally legal,
that they are not torture, and that they are effective.

So maybe we should send Gonzales and Rove to a secret foreign prison for questioning.
How could they object to that?
I bet the Democrats would go along with that".

Marc Perkel
San Bruno, CA

I'm Not A Double Agent Working For Colbert Nation

2007-03-27T19:37:00.000-07:00

I arrived in Canada shortly before the Colbert Report hit the airwaves. This is entirely coincidental. There's no conspiracy here. That's my story, and I'm sticking with it. Move along folks, nothing to see here.

Organized People Should Get Lost!

2007-03-26T18:08:00.000-07:00

...But of course they never would. They'd probably bring along extra maps, a compass, GPS and cell phone just to be safe.

Do I envy them their slavish devotion to the minutiae of life? Not one bit. When Thoreau said that "our lives are frittered away by detail", he was thinking about things like filing paperwork, organizing sock drawers, and writing lists.

All the same, I realize that it might be good for me to be somewhat more organized. I spent the first hour of my day searching for a misplaced set of keys.

Teaching guys like me to be organized is like teaching a bear to ride a bicycle. It can be done, but only by a trained professional that can dodge an island-sized paw now and then. Organized folks, it's not that we mean to frustrate you; we're actually a different species. I recommend viewing our attempts at aping your behaviour with detached bemusement. Think of us as chimpanzees wearing cowboy suits or seals clapping with their flippers.

My epiphany is that the world needs people who work on shoring up their weaknesses. It's a lot easier for a disorganized person to understand an organization system put together by another disorganized person. It's like the Microsoft/Apple divide: Microsoft designed software that made sense for people who understood programming, while Apple designed software for your average person. I'm sure that, in the process, Apple software engineers often tore their hip, urban attire in frustration trying to dumb things down for the simpletons in their focus groups.

If this last paragraph had been written by an organized person, this would be a clever concluding paragraph that would deftly touch upon my main points and reinforce my thesis.

MP Olivia Chow's Retrofit Video

2007-03-24T19:27:00.000-07:00

Here it is. Politicians living the values they espouse. Hard to fathom, isn't it?

Chocolate Mousse

2007-03-22T17:48:00.000-07:00

Teenagers

2007-03-21T19:32:00.000-07:00

The problem is that they're convinced they're invulnerable at the precise point in life when they're most vulnerable. Don't grow up too soon, daughter of mine.

New York Is For People Who Deserve It

2007-03-18T16:26:00.000-07:00

...People like Sam Teigen, who appreciate and take advantage of the city's diversity.

For a slice of NYC, visit his Flickr page.

Some people might envy Sam's big city experiences. I envy his eye.

If he comes to visit some time, we'll get together at McSweeny's.

McSweeny's Snow White and the Seven Goths

Darling, We'll Always Have Minneapolis/St. Paul

2007-03-15T03:06:00.000-07:00

News junkies such as myself are often drawn to the 'hard news' in The Onion rather than the editorials.

Because I want to keep abreast of the changes shaping our world, I'm drawn to headlines like "Christ Returns to the NBA", or "Taco Bell Launches New 'Morning After' Burrito"

Nevertheless, an editorial today hit pretty close to home:

Darling, We'll Always Have Minneapolis/St.Paul

This one goes out to you, kid--you know who you are.

Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come For You?

2007-03-14T12:29:00.000-07:00

So...Let's say you're the President of the United States.

The chief aide to your Vice President was convicted of perjury and obstructing justice, a hostile congress is launching investigation after investigation of your abuses of power, and the impeachment movement is gaining steam. What do you do?

The most logical thing to do...Fire all the lawyers!

If you choose this option, make sure that your lawyer doesn't get caught lying about the whole affair before congress. Oops!

Good thing you have a backup plan!

Perspective Check:
In Canada, the top news this hour:
A Canadian philosopher has won the world's richest individual award by promoting the message that the threat of terrorism could be solved by greater spiritual examination in Western and Islamic countries.

Perspective Check:

In the United States, the top news this hour:

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, suspected mastermind of the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks on the United States, confessed to those attacks and a string of others during a military hearing at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, said a transcript released Wednesday by the Pentagon.

Gee, if the Petagon says it, it must be true.

Poetry Tuesday

2007-03-13T18:13:00.000-07:00

Erat Hora

by Ezra Pound (1885-1972)

"Thank you, whatever comes." And then she turned

And, as the ray of sun on hanging flowers

Fades when the wind hath lifted them aside,

Went swiftly from me. Nay, whatever comes

One hour was sunlit and the most high gods

May not make boast of any better thing

Than to have watched that hour as it passed.

Magic Beans For Monday

2007-03-12T10:29:00.000-07:00

I'm serving up Magic Beans for Monday courtesy of Peter Mayer:

Poutine Music Club Retro Lounge

2007-03-10T04:02:00.000-08:00

The Most Dangerous Stretch of Road In Ontario

2007-03-04T18:01:00.000-08:00

Highway 21 from Bayfield to Kincardine is the most dangerous stretch of road in Ontario this winter.

While the high winds are great for the turbines, they whip up the snow, making driving about as easy as nailing jello to a tree. Because of this, since February 2nd, the high school in Goderich has been closed as often as it's been open.

They're predicting 90km/hr. winds tomorrow. Buy stock in Vestas and hang onto your hats.

Not Going To Church This Sunday

2007-03-03T08:20:00.000-08:00

God's had all the thoughts about the life, death, and the hereafter I care to give him/her/it this week. As for being a good person, I was planning to do that anyway.

Why does God seem to need so much praise? If I were omniscient, omnipotent, and in charge of everything, I wouldn't need to hear people singing my praises all the time.

Wouldn't you be embarassed if people sang "Rick, name above all names, beautiful savior, glorious lord"--even if it were true? You'd think that would get old after a while, and wouldn't you suspect that the people most devoted to singing your praises were a bunch of ass-kissers?

At times such as this, I ask myself, "W.W.S.S.J.D"--What would supply-side Jesus do?

Via Pat Crawford

2007-03-01T01:14:00.000-08:00

Dave Hates This Stuff

2007-02-28T18:42:00.000-08:00

What do you think? By the way, Canadians, Mike Huckabee is running for President in 2008. No one supports his campaign more than Rick Mercer.

Poetry Tuesday Three

2007-02-27T18:38:00.000-08:00

Objective

My stated objective-- the goal of my writing this poem,
is to create something old fashioned; something nostalgic.
I want this poem to be the pocketwatch you pull
out of the breast pocket of your vest,
rubbing its shiny case between your forefinger
and thumb. The case should shut with a satisfying click.
I want it to sew a leather patch
on the elbow of your tweed jacket,
or hem your pants while you stand there
with your mother-in-law pursing her lips
holding that needle. Ideally, this poem
will mend things rather than throw them out.

Keep An Eye on Those Guys...

2007-02-25T18:57:00.000-08:00

You know who--those guys. The ones who support attacks on civilians...The terrorist supporters...

From Today's CSM:

Those who think that Muslim countries and pro-terrorist attitudes go hand-in-hand might be shocked by new polling research: Americans are more approving of terrorist attacks against civilians than any major Muslim country except for Nigeria.

The survey, conducted in December 2006 by the University of Maryland's prestigious Program on International Public Attitudes, shows that only 46 percent of Americans think that "bombing and other attacks intentionally aimed at civilians" are "never justified," while 24 percent believe these attacks are "often or sometimes justified."

Contrast those numbers with 2006 polling results from the world's most-populous Muslim countries – Indonesia, Pakistan, Bangladesh, and Nigeria. Terror Free Tomorrow, the organization I lead, found that 74 percent of respondents in Indonesia agreed that terrorist attacks are "never justified"; in Pakistan, that figure was 86 percent; in Bangladesh, 81 percent.

Read It:

Festipus in Boots

2007-02-22T19:56:00.001-08:00

Festipus, the Festivus Octopus

2007-02-22T18:10:00.000-08:00

Most holidays in the western tradition have adopted bizarre mascots over the years. Easter, for example, features a rabbit that somehow lays colourful eggs and an occasional nougat-filled glob of chocolate in the spring. How we went from the resurrection to bunny-chicken-chocolate hybrids prior to the age of genetic engineering is beyond me.

Now, thanks to Uncle Jay, another mascot joins the pantheon. Jay saw this picture of Sophie on our refrigerator, and asked what it was. I explained that it was Sophie's picture with handprints below it to make a rough 'christmas angel'--.

Jay said "Angel? That looks more like an octopus".

I'm not sure who said it first, but I believe history has been made.

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present the new mascot for Festivus:

Festipus, the Festivus Octopus.

What legends and stories should be part of the traditional Festivus story?

Poetry Tuesday: Part Two

2007-02-20T00:36:00.000-08:00

Optimism

The glass is half full,
but the clear water contains
trihalomethanes.

Canadian Poetry Tuesdays: Our New Weekly Feature

2007-02-12T16:19:00.000-08:00

Today's featured poet: Steve McOrmond

The End of the World

The persistent cough, the routine procedure,
the congenital defect, the faulty wiring,
the fire in the starboard engine, the force majeure,
the mistress in the city, the last spirited thrust,
the little breeze off the coast of Africa,
the apples torn from the trees,
the unopened mail, the paperboy ringing the bell,
the atmospheric anomaly, the snow on the TV,
the hot wind with its tincture of rotting fish,
the wasps-nest of tumors, the drug-resistant strain,
the feeding tube, the shunt, the morphine drip,
the fatigue and general malaise,
the night inventory of the medicine cabinet,
the sleeping pills, the razor blades,
the reversals suffered as a child,
the bend in the road, the patch of black ice,
the telephone pole, advancing in the high beams,
the statistical improbability, the cougar attack,
the stray piece of cosmic debris, the locals celebrating
the wedding of the lovliest girl in the village
by firing their guns in the air.

This poem was originally published in ARC Poetry Magazine #57.

Fungi of the Month

2007-02-10T06:56:00.000-08:00

It's February 10th. Shame on you if you haven't looked up Tom Volk's Fungi of the Month yet.

For the first time in ten years, Professor Volk hasn't posted a fungus of the month. He's recovering from heart transplant surgery. A speedy recovery to you, Dr. Volk!

For years, I've read Dr. Volk's entries. Like my brother-in-law Neil, Dr. Volk has a gift for bringing the esoteric down to a level where mouth-breathers such as myself can actually comprehend something scientific.

Here's one of my favourites: Mushrooms on My Money: The Duteromycetes or Fungi Imperfecti

The Apple Cell Phone: It's Still Not Enough To Make Me Happy

2007-02-08T05:36:00.000-08:00

So last month Stephen Jobs made his big pitch for the new Apple I Phone. For technology fetishists, this is white, shiny manna from heaven:

All the power and sophistication of the world’s most advanced operating system — OS X — is now available on a small, handheld device that gives you access to true desktop-class applications and software, including rich HTML email, full-featured web browsing, and applications such as widgets, Safari, calendar, text messaging, Notes, and Address Book. iPhone is fully multi-tasking, so you can read a web page while downloading your email in the background. This software completely redefines what you can do with a mobile phone.

Yay, technology.

It's now official: there is no task in life people in the 18-27 demographic can accomplish without a cellphone.

As for me, I'm still not satisfied. I'm holding out for a phone that can allow me to surf the web and perform my own colonoscopy. I simply won't be happy until I can monitor my website and maintain my rectal health with a phone.

P.S. I've now joined the new blogger, and anyone can post comments once again.

You Got Yer Money's Worth

2007-02-04T16:05:00.000-08:00

...in the first twenty minutes. The next three hours were on the house.

On Saturday, Laurie and I spent a rare night out on the town at the Livery where we witnessed the triumphant return of Kati Durst, our hometown Canadian Idol finalist.

Although Kati is a wonderful singer, nobody thought she'd go as far as she did due to the fact that she's more Lillith Fair/Liz Fair than Hillary Duff/Pop Fluff. By performing songs like "I'm Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks, Kati sealed her doom as a would-be pop princess but kept true to herself.

The night was billed as "Kati Durst and Friends", and it seems that the pride of Goderich sprang forth from fertile soil. Our town isn't some formaldehyde tank from which pod people like Justin Timberlake and Jessica Simpson emerge, it's a place where skilled musicians hone their craft in barns, basements, and garages.

The show began with country classics played by the Legion All Stars, and ended with classic blues by the London-based TW and the All Stars. Inbetween the respective all stars, Craig Harrison and the Empty Threats played nasty, gritty rock, and Sutherland played the best cover of "Miss You" I've ever heard. Any band can play "Satisfaction", but very few have a bassist willing to tackle the funky bass lines of "Exile on Mainstreet"--the Stones at their sleazy, pimpy seventies best.

When TW and the All Stars hit the stage, my first impression was that I was looking at a blues version of Spinal Tap. The drummer was reminiscent of Derek Smalls with his Fu Manchu,Harley skullcap and Owen Wilson schnoz, the bassist looked like a hyper-annuated Harry Potter, and TW completed the ensemble with his steetstreeper mustache and ratty fedora. All of them looked like they had been drinking burbon since they had been able to hold a sippy cup. But man, could they play--those grizzled verterans produced the musical equivalent of God clearing his throat--which, when it comes to blues, is a good thing.

Thanks, Katie, for bringing the music back home, and for bringing your home to your music!

There's only one band that could've made the show any better...

Second Verse, Same As the First

2007-01-31T06:46:00.000-08:00

Many Canadians look upon their counterparts to the South as credulous dupes willing to swallow any sort of tripe as long as it's wrapped in the red, white, and blue. True enough...but what happens if that same tripe is repackaged in a maple leaf?

When I read this forwarded email, I thought it sounded familiar...

A MILITARY DAUGHTER - A BEAUTIFUL STORY

Proud to be a Soldier !!! From the daughter of a
Soldier..Last week I was in Trenton, Ontario. attending a
conference. While I was
in the airport, returning home, I heard several people
behind me beginning to clap and cheer. I immediately turned
around and witnessed one of the greatest acts of patriotism
I have ever seen. Moving thru the terminal was a group of soldiers in their
camos, as they began heading to their gate everyone (well almost everyone)
was abruptly to their feet with their hands waving and cheering. When I
saw the soldiers, probably 30-40 of them, being applauded
and cheered for it hit me. I'm not alone. I'm not the only red blooded Canadian
who still loves this country and supports our troops and
their families...

What a touching story! I think I'll go and enlist today due to the holy flame of patriotism enkindled in my breast...But wait...I once heard a venerable old man claim that forwarded emails sometimes contain unreliable and unverifiable information...

Read It.

If Canadians believe that having their troops in Afghanistan is making them safer from terrorism, they're mistaken. In fact, the opposite is true.

Read It.

"Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger."
-- Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials

This post is getting too heavy...Quick, Uncle Jay! Change the subject!

The Return of Poutine

2007-01-09T17:45:00.000-08:00

Stay tuned for the grand re-opening of The Poutine Diaries on Monday, February 5th.

Ten Second T.V. Reviews

2006-10-09T18:37:00.000-07:00

The Amazing Race: Americans chasing after money and offending the locals.
Degrassi: The Next Generation: Disappointingly, no Klingons.
Smallville: A metaphor for closeted homosexuality starring the world’s oldest teenager.
Fear Factor: Pretty people eating Korean delicacies.
Law and Order SVU: Emotional porn for the vengeful.
E.R.: Endoplasmic Reticulum.
Medium: An appropriate title for drama mediocrity.
Extreme Makeover: Lobotomy Edition

I Wrote

2006-10-09T18:18:00.000-07:00

"Through joy and through sorrow, I--wrote. Through
hunger and through thirst, I--wrote. Through good
report and through ill report, I--wrote. Through
sunshine and through moonshine, I--wrote. What I
wrote it is unnecessary to say".

Edgar A. Poe
Quoted in Hired Pens: Professional Writers in America's Golden Age of Print, by Ronald Weber

Bonemeal

2006-09-23T19:04:00.000-07:00

Sure, there are bones, but I'd hardly call it a meal.

Five Years Later: The State of the States

2006-09-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

...Did the United States commemorate the attack on Pearl Harbor in 1946?

My guess is that the fifth anniversary of Pearl Harbor wasn't front page news at the time for the simple reason that it wasn't the dominant event in the American psyche then that September 11th is now. The war that began for the U.S. the day after "the day that will live in infamy" was over less than four years after it started. In '46 people were still busy celebrating the end of WWII.

Five years on after you-know-what, you can't escape the Katrina-like deluge of 9/11 retrospectives.

What a sad commentary that is on the state of the States: Five years later there are no victories to celebrate; there's no benevolent Marshall plan paving the way for peace and prosperity. Instead, there's only a Orwellian war-without-end of our own making, and a media fixated on a day of tragedy.

I remember my VFW Uncles proudly proclaiming "Americans don't start wars, we finish 'em"...Yeah, right. I'm glad you guys aren't alive to see this.

Thanks, Republicans, for replacing that shiny copper Lady Liberty with a freshly-baked turd sandwich.

The Rumour Mill

2006-09-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

...whatever it grinds, the final product is heavily-processed and unhealthy.

A rumour is a form of plagiarism; nobody cites their sources, and if they did, nobody would check them.

What's In A Name?

2006-09-10T09:44:00.000-07:00

My wife bought a book entitled "Happy Healthy Baby Cookbook".

Spoiler Alert

2006-09-07T17:59:00.000-07:00

Statistics back up my anectdotal observation that the Canadian autobuying public prefers smaller, more economic vehicles than their American counterparts. While the midsize Camry is the best selling car in the U.S., the Civic reigns supreme north of the border.

Part of the popularity of the Civic in Canada is most likely due to the custom car market. While Americans go for sheer tonnage, Canadians tend to prefer souping up and customizing. At the very least, every male Civic owner in Canada between the ages of 18-30 believes no vehicle is complete without an exterior accessory. Foremost among them: the spoiler. It's the male equivalent of the classic Coach handbag.

Spoilers were originally designed to reduce the amount of lift generated by the forward motion of a sportscar; they disrupt the airflow passing around the body of the vehicle, and this leads to improved traction (that's the best I can do--I'm no engineer). Unless you're Ricky Bobby, you'll probably never drive fast enough to notice any heightened performance from your spoiler, but they do make the Golden Retriever of cars look more like a Ridgeback, don't they?

I have nothing against spoilers in and of themselves, but I do have a problem with improper spoiler placement. Last year, I was approached by a local clergyman who very nicely inquired if I had a church home.

As I looked over his shoulder, I noticed that his vehicle was parked out on the curb.

A late model Ford Windstar minivan with a spoiler.

I'm not a car snob, but I refuse to take spiritual advice from anyone who drives a van with a spoiler.

Aesop's Fox: Paradigm of Enlightenment

2006-09-02T03:04:00.000-07:00

Aesop's Fox in the "sour grapes" fable, at first glance, seems to illustrate the truism that those who can't obtain what they want in life make excuses to justify their own failure.

What if the fox actually was a practicing Buddhist, and subscribed to the sixth teaching of the Buddha's eightfold path. What if the fox believed that suffering is alleviated by the elimination of desire? I mean, did the fox really need the grapes, or was he motivated by greed, selfishness and pride? Perhaps these were his thoughts prior to giving up his quest for the grapes.

Why would a fox want grapes anyway? I've never seen a bag of Purina Fox Chow, but I'm pretty sure grapes aren't on the list of ingredients. Maybe he just thinks to himself: look at these sharp frickin' teeth I've got...I should quit wasting my time here and start chasing rabbits.

Thoughts on Iran

2006-09-01T03:11:00.000-07:00

Within a few months, my prediction is that the U.S., Israel, or both with be dropping bombs on Iran. This offensive will not take place until the groundwork for the military strikes has been carefully laid out day after day, night after night in the American and Canadian media. Before the military offensive comes the P.R. offensive. The first battle in the war to win hearts and minds is fought against us; against the natural inclination of everyday people to just live their lives.

Whenever the U.S. starts beating the war drum, I'm always reminded of the words of Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials:

"Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger."

When it comes to Iran, I seem to part ways with many people who share my skepticism. After all, they say, Iran is run by religious extremists who have denied the right of Israel to exist, and their leader has said that Israel should be wiped off the face of the earth. In principle, I agree with you, Steve, but in the real world, we have to get people like this before they get us.

That's how the conversation goes. Because our perceived enemies are relgious fanatics dead-set on doing us harm and incapable of being reasoned with, we have no alternative but to wage war.

But what if that's not the case? Matthew Iglesias asks some pertinent questions that could slow down the manufacting of consent to another war:

"The Iran debate has really become rather surreal. You have the "Islamofascist" locution jumping from the fever swamps of rightwing punditry into the mouth of the President of the United States. You have the Secretary of Defense issuing dire warnings of another Munich. These things are being done by the exact same people who, four years ago, were utterly dismissive of claims that invading Iraq was likely to serve Iranian interests better than American ones. Indeed, you have the exact same people who two years ago were assuring us that it made sense to commit American blood and treasure to fight Sunni insurgents on behalf of Iranian-backed Shiite militias now saying we need to commit more blood and treasure in Iraq to stop . . . Iranian-backed Shiite militias.

You have Richard Cohen, who backed the Iraq War and came to regret it, turning around and saying it's time to party like it's 1938. Meanwhile, this entire view of the world has, as best I can tell, no relationship whatsoever to reality.

Via Kevin Drum, David Ignatius is in Iran and reports that though "you might expect that Tehran would feel like a garrison town" it's actually surprisingly relaxed. But why might you expect that Teheran would feel like a garrison town? Well, you would if you've been following the media's dubious, highly-spun coverage of the issue. But you wouldn't if you asked yourself some basic questions. For example, if Iran is preparing to mount a Hitler-style bid for world domination they must be engaged in a big military build-up, right? But there is no such build up. Maybe there's no need for a build-up because the Iranian military is already so vast and mighty? Well, no. Iran has a defense budget of about $6 billion a year.

The United States spends over 50 times more than that. But perhaps comparisons to the USA are misleading. Lets compare our would-be regional hegemon to its neighbors. Well, Israel spends $9.6 billion and Saudi Arabia spends $25.2 billion. Pakistan, immediately adjacent to Iran and nuclear armed, actually has engaged in a recent defense buildup. What kind of quest for hegemony is Iran supposed to be on? Ignorant American pundits and television personalities may be unaware of these facts, but surely Iranian military and intelligence officials have noticed that Iran has no capacity whatsoever to conquer the region.

Meanwhile, the freaky and unpredictable Iranian regime has actually been in power for a very long time. Since before I was born. The regime is not only long-entrenched, but quite corrupt. Mightn't this lead you think it's being run by reasonably comfortable men who enjoy the fruits of power, intend to stay in power, and know a thing or two about maintaining their power rather than by irrational lunatics who've been waiting in the wings for 27 years preparing to spring their bid for world domination upon us without first having acquired so much as a single modern tank?

And then there's the small matter that our purported would-be Hitlers in Teheran were trying to reach a comprehensive peace agreement with the United States as recently as 2003. Their proposal was rejected by the Bush administration. Not rejected, I remind you, because the Bushies found the details of the proposal inadequate and Teheran refused to compromise further. No! It was rejected without any effort at negotiation because, at the time, the administration was busy threatening to overthrow the government of Iran as the second or third item in an ambitious plan to overthrow every government in the region.

So, here's Iran. Outgunned by its two leading religio-ideological antagonists, Israel and Saudi Arabia, in the region. One immediate neighbor is Pakistan, with a larger population base and a nuclear arsenal. Another immediate neighbor, Afghanistan, is occupied by soldiers under the command of an American president who has spurned peace offers and threatened to overthrow the Iranian government. A second immediate neighbor, Iraq, is occupied by a larger number of soldiers from the same country. The Iranian military's equipment is outdated and essentially incapable of mounting offensive operations. So Iran is trying to build nuclear weapons and missiles to deliver them. Under the circumstances, wouldn't you? Don't you think a little deterrence capability would serve the country well under those circumstances?

I'm sorry to have gone on at such great length here, and a little nervous about stepping outside the "sensible" zone with my commentary on this topic, but somebody needs to call bull$#*t on the prevailing elite consensus about Iran. Of course it would be better to find a way to persuade, cajole, whatever Iran out of going nuclear -- the spread of nuclear weapons is, as such, bad for the USA. But there's no need -- absolutely no need -- for this atmosphere of panic and paranoia".

Read It

Excellence in Journalism

2006-08-27T17:25:00.000-07:00

Having lived in Nigeria, I was excited when I saw this Headline...

Obama Visits Notorious Slum in Nigeria

When I read the article, however, it soon became clear that Senator Obama is on the other side of the continent, in Nairobi, Kenya.

Given the geographically-challenged headline, the third paragraph of the AP article is pretty ironic:

Senator Obama proclaims the following:

"I love all of you, my brothers _ all of you, my sisters" Obama told a crowd in Kibera. "I want to make sure everybody in American knows Kibera. That's why we have all the news crews."

Read It:

If I were the mayor of a small, impoverished village on the Mambila plateau in Southeastern Nigeria, I would immediately rename my town Kibera.

I Smile Best For Mommy

2006-08-23T20:02:00.000-07:00

Fashion Tips

2006-08-18T21:01:00.000-07:00

A Photo taken at the International AIDS conference in Toronto by Reuters photographer J.P. Muczulski...Comments?

Welcome To Montreal!

2006-08-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

So there we were, Laurie, Sophie, and I, on the escalator up from the tracks to the main floor of the Montreal train station.

An elderly man in a via rail vest spies us ascending from the top of the stairs, and squats like a catcher above us.

Pointing at Sophie, he says in a heavily accented stentorian bellow:

"Oh! She is a real beauty, that one! A masterpiece! Well done, eh!"

His smile and thumbs up gesture will be the cornerstone upon which I build my memories of this first vacation with our daughter.

My take: Montreal is a beautiful city! A masterpiece! Well done, eh!

Scarface Bear

2006-08-03T18:38:00.000-07:00

Mali, our well-behaved Ridgeback, never touches Sophie's toys.

Because of this, it was quite a shock to find Sophie's favourite stuffed animal practically decapitated on our basement floor last week.

With great sadness, I gathered up the remains of Sophie's first plush friend and prepared to give it a glad bag sendoff.

Fortunately for Sophie, Grandma had other ideas.
She took it home and sewed it back together.

For Sophie's sake, I'm glad the bear is back, but I have to confess that I find Scarface Bear a bit disconcerting.

Maybe It's the Comedy Channel's Puppets Who Kill, The Colbert Report, or those godawful Chucky Movies, but a teddybear resurrection seems a tad creepy.

Come Visit!

2006-07-12T18:28:00.000-07:00

By popular request, The Poutine Diaries resumes its regular broadcast schedule (twice a week, more or less).

Why the hiatus?

Over the past month, I've been concentrating on three things:

* raising an infant daughter
* completing my first play
* acting in a play (Much Ado About Nothing)

I'm proud to be part of the innaugural season of The Gairbraid Theatre Company, "Goderich's premiere professional theatre experience".

The show runs throughout July and August.

Darwinian Gardens: Open For Business

2006-05-13T18:43:00.000-07:00

It's our second spring as homeowners, and as the first fiddleheads are uncoiling in the planter bed, I'm dreaming of the splendor of what promises to be a tomatoey August.

I've covered the downstairs desk with a plastic bag and my verdant little seedlings are surging upward toward the windows and the blue bulb desk lamp. Peat pots line the windowsills and spill out onto the patio.

Truth be told, I'm an awful, awful gardener who compensates for his lack of skill with sheer numbers--it's a shock-and-awe attack on spring. I'm sort of the Donald Rumsfeld of planting, sending my dutiful troops out on a fool's errand to almost certainly meet a cruel fate. Any tomato plant that survives the summer and produces fruit has done so in spite of me.

Neverthless, nature is persistent. Last year, tomatoes took over the planting beds, much to the amusement of my wife's family. Cousin Dan asked, "So Steve, when are you going to put in the winter wheat"? In mid-April, I began to notice seedlings poking their way through the dirt--volunteers from the previous year.

Without a doubt, these early volunteers are the heartiest of the hardy seeds--able to withstand both my malignant neglect and a Canadian winter.

As I've watched them grow, it occurred to me that maybe I'm just the sort of slacker capable of creating an Ubertomato. If I continue my sadistic, Darwinian survival-of-the-fittest garden year after year, and grow from the previous season's volunteers, maybe I'll have tomatoes hardy enough to grow on the permafrost some day.

Here's the Darwinian Garders 2006 Starting Lineup...

Tomatoes: Nebraska Wedding, Big Black Volunteer, Purple Calabash, Stupice, Black Prince, Black Sea Man, Camp Joy, Moonglow

Herbs: Oregano, Lime Basil, Black Opal Basil, Santo Coriander, Sacred Basil, Genovese Basil, Thyme, Sage

An Open Letter to Bush Jr.-Jr.

2006-05-02T17:50:00.000-07:00

During the elections, an indignant Stephen Harper took great umbrage at the accusation that he would be a pawn of the United States.

Judging from his recent actions, the Canadian Prime Minister seems intent on following the incredibly successful template for international military and diplomatic success laid out by George W. Bush.

While he's at it, perhaps he should ask Kobe Bryant for dating tips and Stevie Wonder for a haircut.

While Harper's shameless, witless, policy plagiarism should elicit derision, the human cost of his folly is no joke.

Like George W. Bush, the tough-talking Stephen Harper is adept at using troops for photo-ops, but when it comes time to honour them after they've made the ultimate sacrifice, he's nowhere to be found. While he pledges someone else's child will not "cut and run", he himself cuts and runs from the grieving parents of fallen soldiers.

Like George W. Bush, Harper has banned the press from photographing flag-draped coffins...

Stephen Harper's government has also discontinued the practice of lowering the flag to half-mast to honour fallen troops--more Bushlike "Strategery".

Do you think you can play this country for fools, Mr. Harper? Do you think you can pour a bottle of antiseptic over this whole foolish endeavour and make this war seem painless?

It isn't, Mr. Harper, and you can't.

From the Hamilton Spectator:

At the funeral for Corporal Matthew Dinning in the southwestern Ontario town of Wingham on Saturday, Lincoln Dinning projected home movies of his late son on a large video screen, with the final images showing his son's remains returning to CFB Trenton.

"Now I'd like to show you some of the video that Mr. Harper wouldn't let you see close up of Matthew's arrival home," Dinning told mourners Saturday.

He added that his late son had been angry about the federal government's decision not to lower flags to half-mast on the death of a Canadian soldier.

Sandra Buckler, Harper's head of communications, told The Canadian Press yesterday that Harper won't comment on the remarks made by Dinning's grieving father. Turner, Payne, Dinning and Bombardier Myles Mansell were killed April 22 when their light armoured vehicle was hit by a roadside bomb near Gumbad, north of Kandahar.

Celebrity Grudge Match: 50 Cent Vs. Oprah

2006-05-01T17:06:00.000-07:00

Advantage: Oprah

"In an interview with The Associated Press, 50 complained that Winfrey rarely invites rappers on her talk show: ``I think she caters to older white women.''

Hey Fiddy,

By attacking the programatic content of Oprah's show, think of the damage you're doing to your image: What self-respecting gangsta rapper sits at home watching daytime T.V.?

The only thing more lame and washed-up than a rapper on Oprah is an L.L. Cool J. sitcom.

Fiddy

It's The War, Stupid!

2006-04-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

Without a doubt, you've seen countless news reports about rising gasoline prices.

CNN's Miles O'Brien was one of many talking heads in furious spin mode this morning, attempting to exculpate the republicans who run the United States from blame. As I ironed my shirt, I could feel that little vein popping up on my temple...

Take a moment and reflect upon every inane, vapid report you've witnessed in the media about rising gas prices...Did any of them even mention Iraq?

Since the United States invaded Iraq, Oil production in the world's third-largest oil producing country has slipped to 1.4 million barrels in 2005 from 3.5 in 1990.

Gee, do you suppose the law of supply and demand might apply here?

Remember: This is an administration that promised us gas prices would go down if we invaded Iraq. That's why you bought the Yukon, remember?

Why does it cost you 80 dollars to fill your tank? It's the war, stupid!

I Understand Women: Part Five

2006-04-15T17:47:00.000-07:00

Back in school, my friend Faust was known for his focus and intensity. His salient characteristic as a scholar was his ability to shut out all distractions--a handy trait for a triple major in math, physics, and philosophy. When Faust was parked in front of his computer hammering out a thesis, anything short of actually grabbing him by the shoulder couldn't pull him out of his esoteric reverie.

Now that he's a married man, I have to wonder how well this trait is serving him.

I'm sorry to say that the ability to focus on one thing in particular comes at the expense of being able to take in many different things that are happening concurrently.

Like Faust, I also have an uncanny ability to focus intently on a particular task-- such as reading the newspaper or napping, for example.

Much to my dismay, this gift isn't considered evidence of scholastic brilliance, but rather "selective hearing"; a trait that is apparently common to many men in the midst of long-term relationships.

You see, it turns out that we live in a world where many things actually do occur concurrently, and modern men are supposed to ride the crest of the present moment; taking note of every eddy and ripple, each undertow and riptide. We need to be attuned, in control, and above all, aware.

To be unaware, to forget, to not hear: these are all sins of omission; signs of a lack of attentiveness and caring. It doesn't matter what you were doing--you weren't paying attention to what she said.

The only recourse, should you find yourself in this situation, is the truth, and when I say the truth, I mean truthiness.

Without giving the matter too much thought, repeat back, in question form, what you thought you heard her say. If you can make her laugh, so much the better:

"Your hovercraft is full of eels?"

"No! I wish you knew how bad this feels! I think you need to get your hearing checked, honey."

Within the context of most relationships, there isn't much of a difference between not hearing and not listening, but you're better off playing the "not hearing" card for all you're worth.

Tolerance Begins At Home

2006-03-28T19:38:00.000-08:00

...No wonder Canada permits gay marriage. You've all been suckled on the sweet teat of tolerance!

So Maybe Soylent Green Isn't People After All!

2006-03-27T17:23:00.001-08:00

...An interesting article from the Globe and Mail:

Scientists can grow frog and mouse meat in the lab, and are now working on pork, beef and chicken. Their goal is to develop an industrial version of the process in five years.

If they succeed, cultured or in vitro meat could be coming to a supermarket near you. Consumers could buy hamburger patties and chicken nuggets made from meat cultivated from muscle cells in a giant incubator rather than cut from a farm animal.

Home chefs could make meat in a countertop device the size of a coffee maker. Before bed, throw starter cells and a package of growth medium into the meat maker and wake up to harvest fresh sausage for breakfast.

Read It

30 Second Movie Reviews

2006-03-26T19:41:00.000-08:00

Thanks to our dear friend Ann Marie Flynn, Laurie and I have a charged-up Blockbuster video card. Sophie usually pops off around 9, so that leaves us with the time to watch a flick.

Unfortunately, I have a long and illustrious history of picking godawful movies. These days, Laurie is the canary in the coal mine. If she drifts off to sleep in 10 minutes, it's not worth watching. That's what happened when we rented "A History of Violence". It was supposed to be worthy of an oscar, but I fail to see why.

If you need to blind Ed Harris in one eye, you're trying too hard.

The last movie I rented was good, and, miracle of miracles, Laurie stayed awake.

If you have a chance, rent "Employee of the Month", one of the greatest dark comedies since "Heathers".

Get Out With Your Baby

2006-03-14T17:50:00.000-08:00

The other night, Laurie and I took Sophie to the cast party. She was passed around more than the hors d'oeuvres tray. When she cried, there was always a set of hands ready to whisk her away. I learned never to underestimate the powerful tug of infant nostalgia. By the end of the evening, more than half the cast was wearing breast milk like a badge of baby-lovin' pride courtesy of my daughter (and indirectly my wife).

A lot of people hesitate to take infants out with their friends and colleagues due to the likelihood of spit-ups, blowouts, and crying fits. For the most part, it doesn't matter. To the parents of an older child, such things are a small price to pay to once again have contact with an infant.

Besides, do you really want to socialize with anyone who doesn't like babies?

Get Your Tickets Now

2006-03-05T12:32:00.000-08:00

This summer, I played the role of Banquo in the Goderich Little Theater production of MacBeth. I'm currently playing the role of racetrack manager Stan Thurber in Office Hours, a comedy by Canadian playwright Norm Foster.

Here's the press blurb:

"This hilarious play consists of five acts. Each takes place in various offices around town. Each act is a different story, but all are connected by a suicide jumper, week-at-a-glance appointment book, a paperback novel, etc., etc. The surprise ending is sure to bring the house down.

"[A] sparkling little gem of a comedy...Audiences come away grinning" --The Houston Press

Directed by Sally Walker and Maureen Penn

The remaining shows are March 9th, 10th & 11th, at 8pm.

Tickets for the final three shows can be purchased via contacting the Livery ticket office.

Those of you coming from out of town can arrange accomodation at Casa Lindstromo.

I May Be Getting Bigger, But At Least Bigger Is Getting Smaller

2006-03-01T04:46:00.000-08:00

This past weekend, I crossed through a set of doors I vowed I'd never enter.

The Big & Tall store.

I'm not particularly big or tall, but I've found that regular-size socks aren't a very comfortable fit for my size thirteen flippers. They constrict around the ankles, cutting off circulation. In addition, although I fit pretty comfortably in XL shirts, I can never get ties long enough to fit my freakishly long torso. There's always an inch or so of buttons showing above the beltline.

When I passed through the doors of the B&T, years of fear and prejudice conditioned me to expect oversize velour tracksuits and man-moomoos.

What I actually found was that this particular men's store carried all the top brands as well as reasonably-priced alteratives. Their selection and quality was better than any department store I've seen, and the staff was courteous and knowledgeable.

I was surprised to learn that the shirt sizes available started at 16.5, and pants at 36. Shoes started at size 12.

Since my thirtieth birthday, I've packed on about five pounds a year. The trend must stop, and this is the year I'm going to do it, but until the pounds start melting off due to the latest fad diet, it's some consolation that bigger is getting smaller, and that I'm petite as far as the Big & Tall store is concerned.

The Somewhat Special Olympics

2006-02-23T19:40:00.000-08:00

Sorry...That's the way I view the Winter Olympics.

It's always seemed like a knockoff of the original--the athletic equivalent of CSI Miami.

Nevertheless, I'm following the Turin Olympiad closer than I'd like to admit. For all of its flaws, it's still fairly captivating, mostly due to the potential for high-velocity tragedy. There isn't anything comparable in the summer olympics to someone careening off an ice-covered cement tube at 80 miles an hour.

In order to keep my hours in front of the t.v. at a minimum, I've developed some criteria to restrict my viewing hours:

1. If there isn't a venue for anyone to participate in any given olympic sport within a 500 mile radius, I don't watch the event.

2. If the sport requires judges, it isn't really a sport, and therefore, I won't watch it.

3. Priority must be given to women's speed skating: It's sort of like a convention of multiethnic J-Lo body doubles in tight-fitting spandex.

As for the results, the majority of Canada's medal winners have been women, and those avatars of Canadian machisimo, the men's hockey team led by "the great one", couldn't even pull off a bronze. The big-money, big-hype stars didn't come through, which makes this a very special olympics indeed.

Now Anyone Can Go To M.I.T.

2006-02-20T19:46:00.000-08:00

For the past four years, The Massachussets Institute of Technology, one of the world's foremost universities, has been at the forefront of an educational revolution.

In 2002, they began publishing every jot and tittle of their course information on the web. Provided you have internet access, it's possible for you to study the same materials as MIT students while in a hut in Timbuktu.

According to the school's website, the OCW project has a dual mission:

"* To provide free access to virtually all MIT course materials for educators and learners around the world.
* to extend the reach and impact of MIT OCW and the “opencourseware” concept."

They've done pretty damn well on both accounts. I've consulted the higher minds of MIT when designing my own syllabi, and the open courseware project has been embraced in China, Japan, and France as well as the United States.

Read About MIT Open Courseware Here

Spit Happens

2006-02-18T19:08:00.000-08:00

Was Cheney Drunk?

2006-02-15T04:57:00.000-08:00

Here's an interesting tidbit scrubbed from the initial MSNBC story via thoughtcrimes.org:

Katherine Armstrong:

"There may be a beer or two in there," she said, "but remember not everyone in the party was shooting.".

Hmmm...A vice-president twice convicted of drunk driving goes hunting, has a few beers, and shoots a guy in the face.

What is the reaction of the American press corps? They scrub the quote.

Move along, folks. Nothing to see here.

Why aren't they asking "Mr Vice-President, do you have a drinking problem"?

I'm just asking. Don't tap my phone line, please.

Smart Dog

2006-02-12T19:13:00.000-08:00

How I know Mali is one smart pup...

1. Applied Knowledge: On Saturday afternoon, she watched the agility trials on "Top Dogs", a popular dog show on OLN. Later that afternoon, she could be seen weaving in and out of our cedar hedge.

2. Problem Solving: She wanted to sit on the couch, but Laurie and I were sprawled out on top of it. What does she do? She pretends that she needs to be let out, and then when mommy rises from the couch to let her out the door, she steals her spot.

3. Mechanical Ability: She has actually learned how to turn on and off a mechanical device--Sophie's mobile mat. She's actually discovered how to turn on the music and flashing lights with her nose.

Pens, Pencils, and Top-down Morality

2006-02-03T04:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my co-worker, George Clooney*, held up a blue ballpoint and asked me, "Is this your pen?"

"I have no idea George**."

"Well, I didn't want to use it if it wasn't mine."

"It's just a pen. Take it. It's yours."

"Thanks."

"No need to thank me...After all, I'm not even sure if it's mine and I said you could have it...If that's generosity, I have a condo in Toronto I want you to have".

"Say, this is a pretty nice pen. If this were the pen you were using, wouldn't you remember it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Well, we have to go back a bit to answer that one. My father taught in a large high school in the Twin Cities for over 35 years. Throughout his career, he compulsively picked up pencils and pens his students left behind. As he walked down the halls, he often stoop to pick up any writing utensils between class as well. At the end of the day, he'd come home with pockets bulging. All the pens ended up in a box on his dresser. As a result, I never had to buy a pen or pencil during my school years. I've always assumed that pens and pencils magically appear whenever you need them, and you know what? They always do.".

"But what if that pen or pencil you--found--was someone's favourite? Shouldn't you try to get it back to them?"

"Well, sure, if it were some gold-plated Parker pen that would be a different case...Of course I'd bring that to the lost and found but for the most part, pens and pencils fall outside my moral universe. If you're careless enough to leave it behind, you deserve to lose it, if you're upset to find that it's been taken after you left it behind, you're a petty person who just hasn't faced enough hardship during your lifetime. I'd like to think my pen theiving is sort of a one-man crusade against pettiness."

"That's an interesting take on things...Could I borrow your calculator?"

"...Will you give it back?"

Addendum:

*No, not the Hollywood Hunk George Clooney--the Accounts Receivable George Clooney.

**Actually, her name is Suzanne, and she's a teacher, and I pulled most of this conversation out of my butt. George Clooney the bookkeeper made for a better story...Please don't tell Oprah!

The Other London

2006-01-25T05:47:00.000-08:00

This past weekend, the girls and I (Laurie, Sophie, and Mali) spent an enjoyable day in the city of London.
Laurie shopped, Sophie cooed and gurgled at passers-by, and Mali frolicked with a handsome young Viszla in the dog park on Adelaide St.

Obviously, we're no longer part of the international teaching jet-set like our friends Rick and Heather of rickandheather.net. We were in London,Ontario rather than its transatlantic namesake.

The quickest route to London is an hour-long drive south from Goderich on highway four. On the way, you pass through such notable burgs as Hensall, the white bean capital of Canada, Lucan, home of the infamous Black Donnellys, and Exeter, whose name, and odour are reminiscent of excrement. The pastoral contryside is dotted with an occasional stone farmhouse, but for the most part, it's an underwhelming journey. That's not to say there aren't some beautiful nooks and crannies in Southern Ontario--you just won't find them alongside Highway Four. Beauty is a card this region holds pretty close to the chest.

The same can be said about London. At first glance, it's pretty uninspiring. The outer ring is the typical homogenous hodge-podge of poorly zoned tract developments, chain stores, and strip malls. The roads, as my wife often notes, are a commuter's nightmare--the city has simply outgrown its infrastructure. London also owns the dubious distinction of being home to the world's most poorly-named tavern--the Alex P. Keaton on Talbot Street. Come on. I know Michael J. Fox is a Canadian icon, but naming a bar after a fictional character he played in one of the lamest sitcoms this side of the Golden Girls---what could possibly be more pathetic?

All the same, we really enjoy London. It has a great covered market (Covent Gardens) in the downtown core, eclectic retail shops, and wonderful ethnic restaurants--three things we don't have in Goderich, so it's worth the trip.

Poor London. You must be a city with an inferiority complex--like some poor schmuck named Brad Pitt or George Clooney.

If you could re-name London, what would you call it?

I Support the Troops, But I Hate Babies: The Shameless Antagonist's Guide to Deconstructing Meaningless Propaganda

2006-01-24T16:07:00.000-08:00

L.A. Times columnist Joel Stein is taking heat from the right wingers for writing a column in which he says he doesn't support the troops. In his concluding paragraph, he writes:

I'm not advocating that we spit on returning veterans like they did after the Vietnam War, but we shouldn't be celebrating people for doing something we don't think was a good idea. All I'm asking is that we give our returning soldiers what they need: hospitals, pensions, mental health and a safe, immediate return. But, please, no parades.

Read It:

He argues that it's a contradiction to claim you're against the war and supportive of the troops, echoing the refrain of his conservative detractors.

Rather than concede semantic ground, I choose to reframe the context of the meaningless slogan "I support the troops".

You support the troops? Fine. Then let's set up a few parallel assertions: I support the teachers. I support the doctors. I support the priests. I support the children...Can you say these slogans with equal conviction and/or fervor?

What is support, anyway? Does the word "support" mean blindly condoning any action on the part of the subject of your support?

If you can say "I support the priests" with equal fervor, are you shouting "hallelujah" with each new molestation of an altarboy?

If you say "I support the children" with equal zeal, do you hold nerds for the neighborhood bully to punch?

Thoughtful people aren't hoodwinked by kneejerk appeals to patriotism.

I support the troops, particularly the conscientious objectors who refuse to particate in a counterproductive, ill-conceived neocolonial resource grab.

Good Question

2006-01-18T01:58:00.000-08:00

"We still have much to learn about the NSA's domestic surveillance. What we do know compels the conclusion that the President has been breaking the law repeatedly and persistently. If the President has the inherent authority to eavesdrop, imprison citizens on his own declaration,
kidnap and torture, then what can't he do?"

-Al Gore