Pens, Pencils, and Top-down Morality
Yesterday my co-worker, George Clooney*, held up a blue ballpoint and asked me, "Is this your pen?"
"I have no idea George**."
"Well, I didn't want to use it if it wasn't mine."
"It's just a pen. Take it. It's yours."
"Thanks."
"No need to thank me...After all, I'm not even sure if it's mine and I said you could have it...If that's generosity, I have a condo in Toronto I want you to have".
"Say, this is a pretty nice pen. If this were the pen you were using, wouldn't you remember it?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Well, we have to go back a bit to answer that one. My father taught in a large high school in the Twin Cities for over 35 years. Throughout his career, he compulsively picked up pencils and pens his students left behind. As he walked down the halls, he often stoop to pick up any writing utensils between class as well. At the end of the day, he'd come home with pockets bulging. All the pens ended up in a box on his dresser. As a result, I never had to buy a pen or pencil during my school years. I've always assumed that pens and pencils magically appear whenever you need them, and you know what? They always do.".
"But what if that pen or pencil you--found--was someone's favourite? Shouldn't you try to get it back to them?"
"Well, sure, if it were some gold-plated Parker pen that would be a different case...Of course I'd bring that to the lost and found but for the most part, pens and pencils fall outside my moral universe. If you're careless enough to leave it behind, you deserve to lose it, if you're upset to find that it's been taken after you left it behind, you're a petty person who just hasn't faced enough hardship during your lifetime. I'd like to think my pen theiving is sort of a one-man crusade against pettiness."
"That's an interesting take on things...Could I borrow your calculator?"
"...Will you give it back?"
Addendum:
*No, not the Hollywood Hunk George Clooney--the Accounts Receivable George Clooney.
**Actually, her name is Suzanne, and she's a teacher, and I pulled most of this conversation out of my butt. George Clooney the bookkeeper made for a better story...Please don't tell Oprah!
"I have no idea George**."
"Well, I didn't want to use it if it wasn't mine."
"It's just a pen. Take it. It's yours."
"Thanks."
"No need to thank me...After all, I'm not even sure if it's mine and I said you could have it...If that's generosity, I have a condo in Toronto I want you to have".
"Say, this is a pretty nice pen. If this were the pen you were using, wouldn't you remember it?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Well, we have to go back a bit to answer that one. My father taught in a large high school in the Twin Cities for over 35 years. Throughout his career, he compulsively picked up pencils and pens his students left behind. As he walked down the halls, he often stoop to pick up any writing utensils between class as well. At the end of the day, he'd come home with pockets bulging. All the pens ended up in a box on his dresser. As a result, I never had to buy a pen or pencil during my school years. I've always assumed that pens and pencils magically appear whenever you need them, and you know what? They always do.".
"But what if that pen or pencil you--found--was someone's favourite? Shouldn't you try to get it back to them?"
"Well, sure, if it were some gold-plated Parker pen that would be a different case...Of course I'd bring that to the lost and found but for the most part, pens and pencils fall outside my moral universe. If you're careless enough to leave it behind, you deserve to lose it, if you're upset to find that it's been taken after you left it behind, you're a petty person who just hasn't faced enough hardship during your lifetime. I'd like to think my pen theiving is sort of a one-man crusade against pettiness."
"That's an interesting take on things...Could I borrow your calculator?"
"...Will you give it back?"
Addendum:
*No, not the Hollywood Hunk George Clooney--the Accounts Receivable George Clooney.
**Actually, her name is Suzanne, and she's a teacher, and I pulled most of this conversation out of my butt. George Clooney the bookkeeper made for a better story...Please don't tell Oprah!
