The Beer Conspiracy
Since Molson's first began production in 1786, the mighy 2-4 has become indelibly stamped onto the fabric of Canadian society. Like the majestic loon or the maple leaf, a cardbox box filled with strong beer is an integral part of the Canadian image abroad.
Canadians take pride in their beer, or so it seems. As a rite of passage, every American living in Canada is subject to the world's oldest cross-border joke at least 1,000 times before full assimilation into Canadian society:
Q: How is American beer like making love in a canoe?
A: Both are fu**ing close to water.
While the major American beer producers like Bud, Miller, and Coors generally produce 12 oz. insults to human dignity, microbreweries like Sam Adams and Summit produce excellent beer that can stand toe to toe with their Canadian counterparts. Of course, you'll never be able to find them in Canada. It seems to me that there is a conspiracy afoot to import symbols of American mediocrity abroad.
For example, Coors Light. You might as well soak a pair of rusty skates in nail polish remover. For years, Coors was the target of civil rights groups' allegations of racial and sex-based discrimination. South of the border, Coors Light is the beer of choice for guests on the Jerry Springer show. 'The Silver Bullet' is the perfect compliment for a red neck.
Budweiser? If they served beer at McDonald's, Bud would be the brand. A completely unremarkable, watery tribute to banality. No character, no flavor, no style. The Anheiser-Bush company contributed heavily to Bush's re-election, and is kicking in 250,000 for the grand innagural ball. South of the border, the prominent foreheads of Bud drinkers are easy to spot in police lineups of trailer park incest suspects.
Given all of the above, I feel obligated to discourage Canadians from drinking this swill. Why are these two brands widely available in Canada? Perhaps it's the triumph of marketing over tastebuds. Consider this photo I took at the beer store:
What is wrong with you, Canadians? Why are the worst American beers in your "top ten"? This is the worst deception of Canadian beer drinkers since Bob and Doug McKenzie shut down the Elsinore Brewery. Wake up and smell the hops!
Canadians take pride in their beer, or so it seems. As a rite of passage, every American living in Canada is subject to the world's oldest cross-border joke at least 1,000 times before full assimilation into Canadian society:
Q: How is American beer like making love in a canoe?
A: Both are fu**ing close to water.
While the major American beer producers like Bud, Miller, and Coors generally produce 12 oz. insults to human dignity, microbreweries like Sam Adams and Summit produce excellent beer that can stand toe to toe with their Canadian counterparts. Of course, you'll never be able to find them in Canada. It seems to me that there is a conspiracy afoot to import symbols of American mediocrity abroad.
For example, Coors Light. You might as well soak a pair of rusty skates in nail polish remover. For years, Coors was the target of civil rights groups' allegations of racial and sex-based discrimination. South of the border, Coors Light is the beer of choice for guests on the Jerry Springer show. 'The Silver Bullet' is the perfect compliment for a red neck.
Budweiser? If they served beer at McDonald's, Bud would be the brand. A completely unremarkable, watery tribute to banality. No character, no flavor, no style. The Anheiser-Bush company contributed heavily to Bush's re-election, and is kicking in 250,000 for the grand innagural ball. South of the border, the prominent foreheads of Bud drinkers are easy to spot in police lineups of trailer park incest suspects.
Given all of the above, I feel obligated to discourage Canadians from drinking this swill. Why are these two brands widely available in Canada? Perhaps it's the triumph of marketing over tastebuds. Consider this photo I took at the beer store:
What is wrong with you, Canadians? Why are the worst American beers in your "top ten"? This is the worst deception of Canadian beer drinkers since Bob and Doug McKenzie shut down the Elsinore Brewery. Wake up and smell the hops!
