I Understand Women: Part One
Now that I'm a happily married man, allow me to slip into my red satin velvet-collared smoking jacket, don my slippers, pull out a pipe, and explain women to you, young man. If you follow my advice, you're practically guaranteed a lifetime of connubial bliss.
Draw close and absorb my wisdom. You shall learn the secrets of womanhood from one of the few men to unravel the gordian knot of the female psyche.
-puff- a perfectly-formed smoke ring wafts toward the ceiling in my study.
In the months to come, I shall elucidate the byzantine complexities of the fairer sex. I won't insult you with Dr. Phil-inspired pablum, but rather immerse you in the gnostic mysteries of matrimony.
Today's Lesson: Having An Opinion.
First of all, young man, conventional psychologists today would have you believe that the typical male is stuffed to the gills with strong opinions of every kind. Nothing could be further from the truth. Most of us live lives of quiet indifference, and this leads to considerable consternation on the part of our spouses. It's possible, and likely, that you're easygoing to a fault.
-puff-
While all women eventually date a boorish loundmouth with all the answers, women secretly desire a man with both the courage of his convictions and the convictions to match his courage. If you contantly defer to her opinion and judgement, she'll lose respect for you, and over time, you'll become resentful of her leadership on the very decisions you declined to weigh in on.
Let me give you an example from an actual conversation:
Lauren*: "So where do you want to go to eat?"
Fabio*: "I don't care. Wherever you want."
Lauren*: "No really. Where do you want to eat?"
Fabio*: "It really doesn't matter. I like everything. Especially I Can't Believe It's Not Butter"
Lauren*: "O.K. Let's go to the Park House."
* Names changed to protect the innocent
If you see nothing wrong with this conversation you're in trouble, my naive young friend.
The woman in the above dialogue didn't want a decision, she wanted a conversation; a give-and-take interaction. The dialogue would have been more satisfying to her if the man had expressed a preference, thereby opening the door for a counter-proposal, which would then culminate in a mutual compromise.
-dramatic pause, -puff-
In all likelihood, the man was being cluelessly honest. He really didn't care (most men don't) whether he ate pizza, a hamburger, or something out of a dumpster--as long as the dumpster served beer.
-puff-
What he didn't realize is an essential rule of marital conversations--
Rule #1:
Always have an opinion, whether you care or not.
Next week, I'll share with you another secret to marital bliss. In the meantime, practice your new manly opinion-generating prowess. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my pedicure appointment.
If you have any questions, please comment below, and I'll provide a reply posthaste.
Draw close and absorb my wisdom. You shall learn the secrets of womanhood from one of the few men to unravel the gordian knot of the female psyche.
-puff- a perfectly-formed smoke ring wafts toward the ceiling in my study.
In the months to come, I shall elucidate the byzantine complexities of the fairer sex. I won't insult you with Dr. Phil-inspired pablum, but rather immerse you in the gnostic mysteries of matrimony.
Today's Lesson: Having An Opinion.
First of all, young man, conventional psychologists today would have you believe that the typical male is stuffed to the gills with strong opinions of every kind. Nothing could be further from the truth. Most of us live lives of quiet indifference, and this leads to considerable consternation on the part of our spouses. It's possible, and likely, that you're easygoing to a fault.
-puff-
While all women eventually date a boorish loundmouth with all the answers, women secretly desire a man with both the courage of his convictions and the convictions to match his courage. If you contantly defer to her opinion and judgement, she'll lose respect for you, and over time, you'll become resentful of her leadership on the very decisions you declined to weigh in on.
Let me give you an example from an actual conversation:
Lauren*: "So where do you want to go to eat?"
Fabio*: "I don't care. Wherever you want."
Lauren*: "No really. Where do you want to eat?"
Fabio*: "It really doesn't matter. I like everything. Especially I Can't Believe It's Not Butter"
Lauren*: "O.K. Let's go to the Park House."
* Names changed to protect the innocent
If you see nothing wrong with this conversation you're in trouble, my naive young friend.
The woman in the above dialogue didn't want a decision, she wanted a conversation; a give-and-take interaction. The dialogue would have been more satisfying to her if the man had expressed a preference, thereby opening the door for a counter-proposal, which would then culminate in a mutual compromise.
-dramatic pause, -puff-
In all likelihood, the man was being cluelessly honest. He really didn't care (most men don't) whether he ate pizza, a hamburger, or something out of a dumpster--as long as the dumpster served beer.
-puff-
What he didn't realize is an essential rule of marital conversations--
Rule #1:
Always have an opinion, whether you care or not.
Next week, I'll share with you another secret to marital bliss. In the meantime, practice your new manly opinion-generating prowess. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my pedicure appointment.
If you have any questions, please comment below, and I'll provide a reply posthaste.
